Trust

It is when you are helpless about the people who matter most to you that you need to trust most. And that is when prayer becomes most real, most heartfelt, most comforting when there is nothing else to be done. And it is not trite; there are no right words; there is no easy way. Just a moment of silent stillness, conscious of being in the presence of a listening and loving God, and committing to Him the future — yours, and that of those you love.

It was when I carried little G in my arms–her small hand wrapped in gauze that covered a plug connected to a drip, and I watched her beautiful face sleep, a little troubled, her lips parted as her breath rose and fell, her hair swishing as she squirmed then stopped–that I fully fully loved her, as I have loved her elder sister when she fell asleep in the carrier when I babysat. 

Yesterday B and I had a bit of an outing, so that she wouldn’t miss her parents and little sister too much. When she was being carried downstairs by her papa after a meltdown from not wanting to brush her teeth, and saw me coming out of my room, she looked quizzical for a flash, then suddenly said, “Do you know I had a sleepover last night?”

When I picked her up from school, she told me, “Today my daddy sent me to school, and ee-ee picked me up.” And she told me in the car about how Ms Em wasn’t in school because she went on holiday on an aeroplane. And she talked about her teachers and friends and when I asked what she had for lunch, she said, “It’s not my favourite, but I had a little.” She fell asleep in the car, so I took a long route back, and took a while to wake her and waited for her to be ready before we trooped across the carpark to get us some famous chicken wing. Then we came back and had our food, and she ate her chicken wing on her plate with a little fork, and she chewed up the entire wing tip. Then we finally played with the sand, and she baked sand cakes and sang songs and buried the fish and named the colourful fish after fruits of the same colour.

Then she gladly went for Chinese class, showing me where her classroom was, and I waited for her with all these other parents and grandparents waiting. Then she ran out of class cheerfully and we went for a stroll just downstairs, looking at the ponds, fountains, trees, leaves, flowers, and she picked up a leaf to give her mummy because that’s her favourite colour. There was a field of yellow weed flowers and she said, “This small one is meimei. This is me! That’s mama and that’s papa and that’s ee-ee and aunty L and da-yi and gong gong and nainai and auntie.” We even saw a sculpture that she said looked sad, not funny. At some point she said, “I want ee-ee carry.” And I said ok, but you must make sure your slippers don’t drop off. And she said, “Ok! I kiap my shoes with my toesies!”

When we got to the restaurant for dinner, she told me exactly which ice cream flavour she wanted, and that she wanted chicken and not mushroom with her pasta. Then she chose an activity book to work on while I ordered the food, and she was so good, being the big little girl sitting on the chair for grown-ups. When she saw the glass of cold milk, she piped, “Is the milk for me? I love milk!” And later, “Ee-ee, put the milk here so I can reach it myself ok?”

Then we got her daddy and mummy a snack each before walking back to the car, looking left and right and left before crossing, hurrying when the green man was flashing, and cheering when we got across in time. We revisited the trees and roots and leaves that we saw earlier, and when we saw the ferns I asked if she liked them, and she said, “Yes, these look like palm leaves! The people waved them when Jesus rode in on a donkey.” And she started waving her hands in the air as we said together, “Hosanna! Hosanna!”

Then I had to tell her that I’m going away again for a bit more, but after that I’ll be back for good and we can play every week. “Why?” She asked in her sad little voice, and then she said “But I want my daddy and mummy to play with me when Ee-ee is not here.”

She is such a big girl. And I pray her little meimei will feel all better soon, so that she can be her happy, chuckling, ticklish toddling self again.