Appetite

I grew up learning to not want a thing. Be good, be quiet, be cooperative, keep the family together. Then on my own, I thought, so many people already want so many things and make it so loudly known. The only way to keep the peace is to be as invisible as possible and not want a thing.

That doesn’t mean that I never got anything. What I got in those years have probably filled and fuelled me more than I know to describe. One of those gifts—unasked for and possibly unmerited—was my ah gong’s unquestioning love. Who needs anything more? Even now, 17 years after his passing, I still think about the certainty and completeness of his love, and I feel assured and held.

But because I never knew to ask for anything, I have been so amazed by the people around me who have healthy, hearty appetites. Appetites for life, for food, for people…a desire for something specific, utter pleasure in getting it, taking the time and effort to enjoy it in exactly the way they want it.

Cooking with 9 ingredients instead of 3 so that food tastes better, even if you’re eating alone.

Waiting to order coffee so that you can have hot coffee with your dessert in almost alternate mouthfuls.

Buying a cake and carrying it for hours so you can have it at home when you want it.

I talk about food, but the appetite I’m talking about is not all about food. The people with appetite also want experiences, relationships, recognition in the best way. They demand time with those they love, and they demand attention when attention wanes. They try things out because that’s what they want to know—would I like it as much as I think? And they are unapologetic. They show up, they ask, they receive, they decide how they’d like to continue. It’s not that complicated.

I cringe as I write this, but I also want to say: they ate.

😬